With God’s help, I’ve jumped a lot of hurdles over the past couple years - yet with each new hurdle comes a greater amount of fatigue, anxiety and an overwhelming fear.
As these hurdles get more specific, they get much harder.
I pray my energy and drive do not remain as depleted as they’ve felt over the past couple months. I want this chronic exhaustion to go away.
I can’t stop now. I need to keep moving forward in all things.
But I need peace, and a feeling of serenity as I face these things.
Every day I remember the past, try to live in the present, and do my best not to wrestle with the future - but it’s a hard game to play. Letting go without forgetting. Planning without worrying. The rules are simple, but finding the strength to keep going is what makes it hard.
I’m not going to give up - and I pray that I can get stronger as I go, rather than feel weaker with every step. I may not grow by leaps and bounds every day, sometimes it may be only a crawl - but that’s better than being stagnent or going backwards.
God, thank you for your grace. Thank you for your peace. Please continue to bless me with it, and to give me the energy, drive and passion to keep going.
I haven’t touched this blog in over a year - well over a year. But I may try to get back into it.
Last I posted I was struggling hardcore. Today I’m nearly 9 months sober.
Life is good
Oh boy, it’s been a wild ride so far.
It’s been forever since I posted anything, and I’m so happy to start blogging about recovery again today.
This morning I think I have finally found the meaning of surrender. Admitting complete defeat. Complete defeat! Something so unnatural for us to do. But it is necessary.
In admitting complete defeat, we win this battle. The war is never over, but we have the power to win each daily battle by beginning the day admitting defeat. So long as I do this, I will keep the enemy, my addiction and the demons that surround it, at bay.
My addiction wants a fight, as do the demons that exploit every worst part of addiction, and in not providing one…in surrendering, I win, with God’s help. I win.
Don’t fight it. Don’t give into a losing battle. Surrender. Win.